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| MAAG WHEELS CT's Top Team Biking to Beat Multiple Sclerosis |
frozen biking hero was screaming for help because he believed his cellmate was actually his Inner Voice who was arrested for impersonating a doctor. Unfortunately, either the hypothermia or the hyperventilation caught up with our biker and he passed out, which is where Chapter 4 of our story picks up…] Billy the Biker: (Waking up, dazed, throat in pain from so much screaming. He sees a rather tall, dark, well-dressed man helping him off the floor.) Ohhhhh, where am I? What’s going on here? Who are you? Rather Tall, Dark, Well-Dressed Man: (Taking Billy the Biker’s arm to keep him standing up and walking in a somewhat straight line) The name’s Broccoli...Broccoli O’Bama, and I’m your court-appointed Public Defender. Watch your step and go slowly…you’ve been passed out for a couple of years now. Billy: Your mother named you after a vegetable? Broccoli: Uh-huh. She loves broccoli, you see. I mean, she REALLY loves it. And she wanted my name to be either “Broccoli” or “An excellent source of Vitamin C, Vitamin K, Folate, and Manganese, not to mention Omega-3 and Omega-6 fatty acids.” I’m quite happy she chose to make that my middle name instead. Billy: Well, Mr. Broccoli, where are you taking me? Broccoli: (Leading our biker into a court room and sitting him down) Well, my felonious friend, today’s your day in court. You certainly made your case difficult when you slammed your bike into Officer Brakefast’s cruiser. Do you know how mean he is? He’s so mean that one time he arrested his own mother cuz he didn’t like what name she gave to him. I didn’t think it was so bad…I mean, plenty of men are named Duncan. Billy: Is his middle name Donuts, by any chance? Broccoli: (In complete shock) Why, yes it is! How’d you know?! Never mind…no time for that. Here comes the Judge. [All in the courtroom rise in honor as the presiding judge enters. They take their seats, the formalities are done, and then Billy the Biker’s case is announced.] Broccoli: (Standing up, speaking to judge) Your Honor, my client wishes to express his most genuine and sincere contrition for the regrettable ramifications caused by his puerile improvidence. You see, Your Honor, his ardor for bicycling is surpassed perhaps only by your fervor for the same. And when he saw a titanium-frame Litespeed Archon with top-of- the-line Shimano Dura Ace components sitting outside the window of the hospital room that he was in, he became blindingly besotted by the bike and quite lost the majority of his faculties. The frigid temperatures outdoors froze his remaining faculties as he rode this bike, nay, this little slice of Heaven, around the parking lot, which explains his unfortunate encounter with Officer Brakefast. So you see, my client actually had no intention of abandoning his obligation to pay his hospital bill, and he would have returned the afore-mentioned little $8,000 slice to its original location had he not been immediately arrested on the spot. In conclusion, Your Honor, if it’s Heaven-on-Wheels, ya gotta see how it feels! Judge: (Taking pity on a fellow avid cyclist) The guidelines tell me I could send you to jail for a maximum of 27 years, but I’m going to take pity on you because you’re a cyclist, and cyclists are cool. IF you perform all of the following tasks on this list, then your sentence will only be 500 hours of community service, to be spent in the form of biking in a charity fundraising tour for a good cause. 1) You must join your biking buddies for the FIRST TRAINING RIDE of the season on SATURDAY, MARCH 7, 2009 at 9:00 AM starting from #5 Griffin Center in Windsor. 2) You must ride the 10- or 25-mile route on that day. 3) You must make sure your bike is tuned up and ready to roll that day. 4) You must stop stuffing your face with coconut-frosted chocolate cupcakes, marshmallow-filled mugs of hot cocoa, and leftover Valentine candy so that you can try and squeeze into your biking clothes. 5) You must buy new biking clothes if you can not fit into any old ones (see task #4 above). 6) You must check all your gear like shoes, jerseys, helmet, bike rack, and air pump, to ensure they still fit and work properly. Oh, and remember, next time you touch someone else’s slice of Heaven, you’ ll go to jail for 27. By the way, there’s another felon who received the same sentence of community service as you did, and the court wants you two to serve your sentence together. I think you know him pretty well…he was your cellmate. Billy: (Running out of the court room, screaming) NO!! NOOOOOO!!!! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!! |